Thinking out loud, Uncategorized

Break.fast.

Good afternoon,

So many thoughts, so many words. I thought I would share an experience I had this morning. I think it holds a real importance for what’s going on today.

My boyfriend and I went breakfast at Chips Family Restaurant. Their food is delicious but the building could use some investing. Any who, upon entering we were asked if a table was ok? Due to us being so hungry of course we didn’t turn it down.

Once recieving our food I realized our table didn’t have any syrup. So I looked around for a waitor and a manager spotted me and asked if I needed something? I asked for syrup. A feww minutes later a waitress came to our table to give us a containter of maple syrup. Great. NOT. Many of  the other tables had a holder with about four different flavors of syrup and the table next to us with a middle aged white man just so happened to be on of those table.

When the man was presented with his food, his first response was, FINALLY. The waitress waited for a moment for the man to inspect his food while she asked if everything looked ok. He requested a few more items he needed which included syrup. The waitress then gestured towards the holder the contained the various syrups, while also stating all of the flavors.

Instantly, I began thinking….look at that. White Americans especially males carry such a sense of entitlement and as a nation we have really conformed to giving into such ideologies that praise most White individuals. While we were given what the waitress could quickly provide, she took her time to make sure this man was fully taken care of.

Moments like this enhance the colored feeling of being less than. And truth be told I am completely fed up with everything around me telling how and why I should feel certain ways about myself and my position in this world.

I will not accept inferiority to be my destiny. I am not a less than to anyone or anything. I come from a divine KINGDOM; ruled by an Almighty God.

I often wonder if there are others who have taken this stand in their hearts and minds. Are there others who are in tune with the bigger picture, that’s being disguised by all of the chaos taking place.

Uncategorized

Consistency

Consistency: steadfast adherence to the same principle, course, form, etc.

The word has come to me a few times over the years, however within the past couple of days I can’t seem to get the word out of my head. Maybe it’s because this is the very thing that my life lacks, and I’ve suffered significantly due to it’s “lack off.”

My heart longs for consistency…

I have little to no consistent relationships. I’ve never been able to consistently follow a routine to the point of making it a habit. I haven’t  been consistent with my college course work and a couple personal hygiene things could improve with consistency (kinda embarrassing.) Mind you, studies say that it takes the body approximately 21 days to make something a habit. So why does it seem like it would take me 1 years to get consistent with anything!

That has to change. Everyday God opens my eyes, I ask Him to change me in any way He would see fit for His child. While there are things, significant things that I have changed within myself it feels as though people on the outward part of my world don’t see those changes AT ALL. How is that possible? How can I feel like I have been given a new mind, yet the folks that are close to my heart don’t seem to have a clue on what’s going with me… it’s a sad thought to think however I’ve accepted it as my reality.

Due to my environment I see myself having to really analyze the life that I live. And one crucial fact is that my life lacks CONSISTENCY. At this very moment in life I long for consistency in as many areas in my life as possible. And when I say consistency I don’t mean becoming complacent with doing the same things over and over. I see myself traveling all over the globe, connecting with humans of all cultures. Or just being spontaneous with my adventures. However.something tells me that I may end up having to do that alone. I must get to the point of going above and beyond for myself and no one else but God. Simple as that.

Love & Peace

(quotesgram.com)

journal, Uncategorized

cup a joe

I come in peace..

Today during the making of my afternoon cup of joe, I was doing some thinking. I’ve come to realize that for a large portion of my life I’ve been made to feel like I’m wrong. I know people often feel this, but I feel as though I’ve been made to feel wrong or be different in a bad way. Growing up I’d always felt a bit awkward, both physically and mentally. When hanging around other adolescence and later down the line teens, I always got the feeling that I was being judged because I stood out like a sore thumb. I spent a large amount of time wondering how I was being perceived by others.

For a while, there was a small voice in my head that exemplified the low self-esteem that I’d carried around everyday. The voice was a combination of frustration, anger, sadness, and most of all hurt. It would tell me things like, “You’ll never be liked the way they are” or “You’re so skinny, why don’t you eat?” After carrying around this heavy burdened spirit for years I realized that it just didn’t fit the person who I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be the sad girl that looked for acceptance and approval of other individuals. I no longer wanted to get the same ole love… that just wasn’t cutting it for me anymore!

Time-peace

Thinking out loud

Alive!

Yes, I went on a hiatus again. However, this one felt a lot different than others. For the first time in a while I feel alive! I feel like I’m in control of my destiny and the sky is the limit. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my adult years that I’ve felt this feeling. For so long I’ve lived longing to please others, constantly making sure everyone else was taken care of. All the while I wasn’t giving that same attention to myself. I often hear people say how they’ve lost themselves and I relate to that but I’m slightly different. Growing up I never took the time to figure out who I was and I can honestly say that I looked for my identity through the approval from others sadly…

BUT THAT WAS THE OLD ME. I’ve reached a place were I want to know all there is to know about myself. My likes, dislikes, interests, talents, gifts, what makes me tick, when and where I thrive…the list goes on…

SELF-CONTROL: the mastery of self

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Meeting the old Me

Rather than wasting time complaining about the amount of time I haven’t been blogging, let’s just jump right into it!

So today, I met this girl named Ciara (not sure if that’s how you spell it, but hey). The first time I saw her I was passing by and she was standing in the road talking to my “other mother”, then later on in the day I saw her again sitting in the car talking to Ms. Malcolm again. In my head I thought that this was strange that this person just popped up out of nowhere. I have to admit that the Godly part of me put on my jealous face. I had to later ask for forgiveness for taking on such a spirit. I later found out that the girl was 15 years old and supposedly was off to some park on the other side of town. Her mom was off pregnant somewhere, she didn’t know her dad and she was living in a foster home… as I listened to Ms. Malcolm shared this young girl’s story, my heart literally broke into pieces. Thinking back on the encounter I now realize that I was looking at a mere image of myself.

I too had decided at the age of 15 that I wanted to skip a day of school and just go for a walk…I ended up walking all the way from the center of my town to the town over to go to my boyfriends house. I was such a lost soul, just searching for someone or something to save me from the agony that I called life. I will always say that I had an angel walking with me that day, because I went the whole way and back without being bothered or touched by a single person.

Do you know what could’ve happened to me?

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Her Strength

Aha! So this is when I’m going to end up getting my blogging done…when I feel like I’m at my wits end, about to EXPLODE! Does anyone out there know what that feels like? To feel like you are on the verge of spontaneous combustion. Except it’s not spontaneous at all because I saw it coming. For a while now, I’ve felt like a simple poke would just send me over the edge. And the crazy part about it all is that I’ve gotten full blown grenades thrown at me from all kinds of obscure directions.

I CAN’T TAKE IT!!

Now please, don’t think I’m crazy or simply look for things to complain about but life is just driving me to a breaking point and it’s getting unbearable. I often ask myself, at what point does life get better? Then I began to realize that it really isn’t a matter of life simply getting better, and then I begin to hope, even if just for a mere moment that the trials and tribulations we face are God’s way of making us stronger. The Bible says that God knows how much we can bare and He won’t give us more than we can handle. Think about it for a second. It’s common sense that our Creator would know our threshold for pain and hardships, being the fact that He intricately designed us. That then leads me to thinking, well sheesh God must really see some strength in me that I don’t see within myself because I’m pretty tired of dealing with the various challenges constantly coming my way.

Let’s take today for example. After struggling through an 8 hour training for my new job (without my Vyvanese) I managed to get home in one hot piece, but only barely considering the fact that one of my side mirrors on my 1998 Nissan Altima is literally hanging by a couple wires. Upon arrival to my apartment/ part-time prison I was welcomed by a nice notice telling me I’m 2 months behind on rent, owing my property manager about $1000. Given the fact that I was already aware that I hadn’t paid my rent, this came as no surprise. It’s not that I didn’t want to pay my rent but the funds simply aren’t there. And yes, I’m working on that. However, I do feel as though my progress is happening ever so slowly.
Shortly after reviewing my lovely note, one of my apartment mates (that I happen to not care for very much due to her lack of respect) thought that it would be a good idea to text me asking me to move my car over and to make sure I don’t hit her car. Seriously. You’ve got to be kidding me…the things people choose to concern themselves over. I’m pretty sure I can manage getting in and out of a vehicle.
THEN, I end up speaking to my mother about 2 hours after and boy did she add to my great day…NOT. But that’s another story for another day.

Y’all pray for me, please.

Uncategorized

A Letter of Regret From Your Anxious and Depressed Friend

talkingthisandthat

Dear Friend,

I was not always this way.

I did not always hide away from the general public for months or weeks at a time. Once I was quite confident. I occasionally felt happy. I had a full time job and I could face customers with no concern. I would chat to people over the phone, make an effort to see friends, be interested in daily life. I could cope with negativity. Overcome it, even. I wouldn’t let anything bring me down because I had something inside me that made me keep going out there, into the world, facing it all.

But sometimes, Friend, things happen. Sometimes just one thing. Sometimes many things. The courage to face these things is strong at first, at least stronger than now. But depending on luck, or coincidence, or fate, or opportunity, eventually the voice of that courage for some people is quieter. Weaker…

View original post 1,249 more words

journal, Thinking out loud

More thinking..

I don’t understand why it seems to be so difficult for me to sit and post on here each day. Ugh! It’s so frustrating because it’s not like I don’t have things to say, I have more than even to say my; hyperactivity seems to get the best of me on these summer days..

On a more positive note, I have been in high spirits which is interesting considering the fact that I haven’t had my Vyvanse in close to a month now which totally sucks! It’s like I finally found something that truly helped me reach my full potential on the day to day basis but thanks to lovely insurance my pills cost close to $250 for a month supply. Who has that kind of money to spend on meds?! I know I don’t. At least not right now..

But back to my point, for some reason I have a strong sense of peace. I feel like I’ve been through soo many challenges in my life. I know I keep referring to “my life” as a phrase. I don’t do that on purpose, however I do feel like my life is quite interesting in the sense that I’ve always felt like someone, somewhere is watching my life play out and they are being very entertained!

But, while it’s on my mind, I have so much to share with y’all. I’m not even sure where to start. Should I talk about my sperm donor, the replacement, my first love, my diagnosis, or my thoughts on life itself??? So much to blog about! I hope y’all enjoy this journey as much as I’m attempting to.

Til next time…adios!

Uncategorized

The Mind Is Everything

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.” – Buddha

See guys!

I’m messing up already 😦 I was supposed to get into the habit of blogging everyday and somehow since being back at my apartment I’ve allowed myself to become distracted from my goal. Now back to it!

So I figured I’d write about something that came to mind today since in a day I always seem to have so many thoughts flowing. I believe I’m someone that does a ton of self reflecting. I’ve honestly gotten to the point where it’s a habit of mine to reflect on my day, my behaviors, week, encounters, life, etc. I’ve started to implement the idea that if you can change your mind, you can change your life. It’s crazy the number or times and ways I’ve had this message conveyed to me recently. I believe so strongly in this idea that it inspired my most recent tattoo, which I’m sure I’ll write about later.

The mind is an extremely powerful instrument and when used to its fullest potential, your possibilities are limitless. I’ve had a challenging life and I’m sure most of you can relate. For a while I only knew how to think negatively, it got to the point where I found myself living with a dark cloud over my head. As life progressed and more trials came my way I came to the realization that some things are simply out of my control. So rather than waiting for the next bad thing to happen I began telling myself that yes, times will be hard but as long as I allow God to work in my life everything will work out for my good. Reminding myself of this brings me such a strong sense of peace.

Life is UNPREDICTABLE… Be sure to enjoy the ride!